The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 107 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 16 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thank you, Scooter, you know, it's gonna be another show tonight." Scooter: "That's good, how's your digital camera collection coming along?" Guest Star: "They're coming along nicely." Behemoth shows up in the Guest Star's dressing room. Behemoth: "Ooh, a digitial camera, don't mind if I do." Behemoth picks up 1 of the digital cameras and eats it accidentally. Guest Star: "Scooter, he ate 1 of my digital cameras." Scooter: "No kidding, (Guest Star's 1st name), last evening, he ate half of the entire audience." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........ Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Mindy Kaling, yaaaaaaay!" [The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Rowlf: On Piano Keys In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started? Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show......... Of Screeching Chimpanzees Scene 1: Onstage/The Introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, that's right, it's a very special night for all of us 'cause tonight's special guest star is Miss (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, she's been voice acting in Disney and Pixar's Inside Out 1, 2 and 3 and Wreck-It Ralph, but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Bean: "Just for you to know, Kermit, there's once again at outbreak of cluckitis, which causes everybody to sneeze and slowly transform into chickens." Kermit: "Good grief, that's terrible and horrible, but thanks for telling me that, Bean, (he turns back over to the audience.) but anyway, here's Fozzie and Gonzo for the opening musical number." Opening Musical number: Penny Lane Fozzie: Penny Lane there is a barber showin' photographs of every head he's had the pleasure to know and all the people that come and go stop and say hello Gonzo: on the corner is a banker with a motorcar the little children laugh at him behind his back and the banker never wears a mack in the pourin' rain, very strange '' Fozzie: ''Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes there beneath the blue suburban skies I sit, and meanwhile back In Gonzo: Penny Lane there is a fireman with an hourglass and in his pocket is a portrait of the queen he likes to keep his fire engine clean it's a clean machine Gonzo (continued): Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes four of fish and finger pies in summer, meanwhile back Fozzie: behind the shelter in the middle of a roundabout the pretty nurse is sellin' poppies from a tray and though she feels as if she's in a play she is anyway '' Gonzo: ''Penny Lane the barber shaves another customer we see the banker sittin' waitin' for a trim and then the fireman rushes in from the pourin' rain, very strange'' Fozzie: ''Penny lane is in my ears and in my eyes there beneath the blue suburban skies I sit and meanwhile back'' Gonzo: ''Penny lane is in my ears and in my eyes there beneath the blue suburban skies'' Fozzie: ''Penny Lane''...... Goes To End Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony......... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I once took a trip right down Penny Lane in the city streets." Statler: "I used to take a tour of Abbey Road myself." Waldorf: "Life in the suburbs." Statler: "It doesn't get any easier than this!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage......... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: breaking a hotel window Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, just a few more, there, perfect." Rowlf: "Hey, what gives? it wasn't even me." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What seems to be the trouble here, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This dog has been caught red handed for breaking a hotel window." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh, I see, tell me your name, please." Rowlf: "I'm Rowlf the Dog, and I was playin' my piano, but I didn't break that hotel window." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let's see if this is true or not." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Rowlf's name on there. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Rowlf, you're innocent after all and finally free to go right now." Fozzie/Patrol Bear releases Rowlf from his grasp. Talk Spot Kermit: "Well, (Guest Star's 1st Name), we're so proud of you doing the voice for the character of Disgust from Inside Out 1, 2 and 3." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, I appreciate it." Beauregard: "We'd never do any shows without you here." Clifford: "Look, here comes Walter right now." Walter arrives to join his good friends and their Guest Star. Walter: "Hey, you guys, how's it going?" Johhny: "Pretty good, Walter." Sal: "We haven't seen you for a very long time." Fozzie: "Not since last year's television series." Walter: A Bit Walter is now a Muppet chicken. Chicken Walter: "Hey, what's happened to me?" Gonzo: "Well, Walter, it looks like you just developed a very serious outbreak of ''cluckitis''." Miss Piggy: "Oh my goodness!" Rowlf: "We sure don't wanna transform into chickens again." Scooter: "Just like the time when the late Roger Miller was on our original show." Skeeter: "Right before Walter and I came along." The Swedish Chef Sketch number: banana cream pudding Swedish Chef: ''Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue'', ''orn desh, dee born desh'', ''de umn'' ''bork, bork, bork'' Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng bununa creem pooddeeng, yoommy guud, yuoo bet." Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a get oooot a lerge-a meexing bool und a vure-a vheesk." The Swedish Chef gets out a large mixing bowl and a wire wisk. Swedish Chef: "Next, coot oopee 1 pecket ooff bununa creem pooddeeng meex." The Swedish Chef cuts open 1 packet of banana cream pudding mix. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a impty zee inture-a pecket in zee meexing bool." The Swedish Chef empties the entire packet in the mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot in oone-a coop ooff culd meelk oofer zee bununa creem pooddeeng meex." The Swedish Chef puts in 1 cup of cold milk over the banana cream pudding mix. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meex it up fur tvu meenootes." The Swedish Chef mixes up the cold milk and banana cream pudding mix for 2 minutes, 'til it becomes banana cream pudding. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot eloomeenoom fueel oofer zee tup und poot it in zee reffreegeretur fur feefe-a meenootes." The Swedish Chef puts aluminum foil over the top of the banana cream pudding and puts it in the refrigerator for 5 minutes. Time's up. The Swedish Chef takes the banana cream pudding outta the refrigerator and sets it right down on his kitchen counter. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, perffectly guud bununa creem pooddeeng." The bowl of banana cream pudding begins speaking. Talking Bowl of Banana Cream Pudding: "Is it cold in here? or is it just me?" Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "Boy, Statler, he sure is good with those pudding directions." Statler: "Yeah, 'til he learns how to make a banana cream pie with it." Waldorf: "Easy' as 'cupcakes!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Giant Comet Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the unforgettable Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hoghtrob: "There's nothing like a relaxing vacation spot." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Let's see what Commander Jane has to say about." Commander Jane (Guest Star) appears on the video screen....... Commander Jane (Guest Star): "Swine Trek pilots, terrible news, a giant comet is about to hit the Swine Trek and there's no time to lose, you better destroy it right before the Swine Trek is destroyed." Link Hogthrob: "Oh no, a giant comet is gonna destroy the Swine Trek!" Dr. Strangepork: "Now don't worry about it, I got the Asteroid Blaster 400." Dr. Strangepork destroys the giant asteroid with the Asteroid Blaster 400. Link Hogthrob: "You did it, Dr. Strangepork, you saved the Swine Trek." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What' a relief." Announcer: "Will more danger ever occur? will they ever learn how to protect themselves? find out on the next exciting episode of ''Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.......... Statler: "You know, I used to go out star gazing with a telescope and discover an asteroid." Waldorf: "I used to discover a space monster invasion myself." Statler: "Outer space investigation!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Muppet News Flash: Catapult of mud balls Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet news flash." The Newsman sits right at his desk. Newsman: "This just in: a catapult of mud balls have just begun flying all over the entire place, so you'd better duck your heads down, you don't wanna get too muddy." Some mud balls begin flying across and the Newsman ducks his head down. Newsman: "Good thing I didn't get myself muddy." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Lew Zealand as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Have you ever delivered a baby boy or girl, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Delivered a baby boy or girl? what am I? the post man?" Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your mail jokes." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So who's our patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Piggy, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Lew Zealand as their patient. Lew Zealand: "Oh my stars and garters, what happened that afternoon?" Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Lew, what like, happened to you?" Lew Zealand: "I was working at a local fish market, and 1 of my boomerang fish came back and hit me right on my nose." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "That sounds very painful." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Lew, that bandage looks nice on your nose here." Lew Zealand: "Thanks a bunch, I appreciate it." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever succeed with his dr. bills? does Nurse Piggy know how to be more responsible? does Nurse Janice know how to keep track of time? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Dr. Bob, any word for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, I say he's gone a bit blind himself." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.......... Waldorf: "Wow, poor Lew Zealand got hit right on his nose." Statler: "Oh yeah? how do you think he'll smell?" Waldorf: "Terrible and horrible!" Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Muppet Sports is next, Muppet Sports is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Sports sketch number: Meatloaf eating contest Louis Kazagger: "Louis Kazagger here, welcoming you to another edition of Muppet Sports, and today, it's the meatloaf eating contest, where we have our contestants: Animal and Fozzie, watch and see who wins this contest, okay, ready? set, go!" The meatloaf eating contest begins, and Animal and Fozzie begin competing against one another. Louis Kazagger: "Will 1 of them win the contest? will Animal or Fozzie succeed?" They continue eating the meatloaf, 'til Animal wins the contest and Fozzie falls asleep. Louis Kazagger: "And Animal wins the meatloaf eating contest!" Animal: "Meatloaf yummy good." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "I used to participate in a dance off contest." Statler: "And I used to participate in a balancing contest." Waldorf: "More than just a staring contest!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.......... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Automatic Hair Dresser Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, (brief pause), that's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Automatic Hair Dresser." (Another Brief Pause) Bunsen: "Did you ever have a terrible hair day? did your hairbrush not work at all? well, you're just in time for the Automatic Hair Dresser, which of course, my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, give it a try." Beaker goes into the Automatic Hair Dresser. Beaker: Mee, mee! Bunsen: "Watch and see what happens." Vibrating Bunsen turns off the Automatic Hair Dresser. Bunsen: "Okay, Beaker, you can come out right now." Beaker comes outta the Automatic Hair Dresser with an Elvis Presley hair style. Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, your hair's looking crazy than before." Beaker: Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Statler: "You know, Waldorf, I used to go shopping at a wig shop myself." Waldorf: "And I used to try on powdered wigs." Statler: "I used to try on rainbow wigs myself." Waldorf: "Down to the wig shop we go!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage.......... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Scooter for the closing musical number." Closing Musical Number: Yesterday In Background Scooter: Yesterday '' ''all my troubles seemed so far away. now it looks as though they're here to stay oh I believe in yesterday Scooter (continued): suddenly '' ''I'm not half the man I used to be. there's a shadow hanging over me oh yesterday came suddenly Scooter: why she had to go '' ''I don't know she wouldn't say I said something wrong '' ''now I long for yesterday Scooter (continued): yesterday love was such an easy game to play Now I need a place to hide away. Oh I believe in yesterday Scooter: Why she had to go '' ''I don't know she wouldn't say I said something wrong now I long for yesterday Scooter (continued): yesterday '' ''love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away. oh I believe in yesterday............... Ends Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again..... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, yesterday wasn't just as bad as today was." Statler: "Let's hope tonight doesn't get any worse." Waldorf: "The luck of tonight!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Thank you, everybody for coming here tonight, it's been such a wonderful show with all of you here, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Miss (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives onstage............ Guest Star: "Thanks, you guys, it's been so exciting to be on your show tonight, ever since the 2015 Muppets Christmas episode: Single All the Way." Scooter shows up with good exciting news to tell them. Scooter: "Hey, you guys, I got some good exciting news to tell all of you: Walter is no longer a chicken, he took 1 spray of the Muppet Labs Anti Cluckitis Potion." Walter: "I'm back to my original self again, I'm not a chicken anymore, this is super thrilling." Kermit: "That's good, Walter, (he turns over to the audience.) but we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." End Production Credits Directed by James Bobbin Written by Nicholas Stollar Music composed by Christophe Beck Voice Performers End Credits Steve Whitmire '' ''Eric Jacobson '' ''Dave Goelz '' ''Bill Barretta '' ''Matt Vogel '' ''David Rudman Louise Gold '' ''Stephanie D’Abruzzo '' ''Alice Dinnean Vernon '' ''Tyler Bunch ''Ryan Dillon '' ''Peter Linz '' ''Brian Henson '' Cut to Johnny and Sal backstage.......... Johnny: "So, Sal, you ready to go back home to the boarding house?" Sal: "Sure, Johnny, I'm ready to leave this theater." Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts